A lost art, forged in eons-past before shoes even existed (that’s how good they are), Shoestronomers seek to delve deeper into your personality by reading deeply into your footwear faux-pas.
The High Lace-Low Shine Syndrome
This classic example of dirty yet stylish indicates a tendency towards identity deficiencies. Unsure of whether to be rugged or fashionable, the wearer over compensates by including elements of both, thus betraying their own insecurities. The awkward attempt at a relaxed stance doesn’t help.
Vintage shoes mean one thing and one thing only: nostalgia. This wearer clings to the past, attempting without success to reclaim it. Unable to accept the constant motion of time forwards instead of backwards, there are tendencies to slide into depression. On the up side, they look pretty comfy.
Suede Shoes, Suede Heart
Opting for the rough service of a suede shoe instead of the smoother and smarter leather means this wearer tends towards violent mood swings and outbursts of rage. Unlike the soft, weather resistant leather heart, the suede wearer scuffs easily and is abrasive. Facing backwards, they hide their aggression unsuccessfully.
Bordering on cross-dressing, wearers of skater shoes often don’t even skate – as evidenced here by a distinct lack of scuffs and lack of glued-up soles common in the street skating hoodlum. These wearers aspire to great tricks and hot chicks, but sadly fall short at the shoe.
Buckles, as science has shown over and over, are the most obvious metaphors. You better “buckle-up” with this wearer as they take you on a rollercoaster of emotion. First happy, then sad – manic then non-manic; beware the buckle-up. Studs further demonstrate an edginess, which may or may not be good or bad. I don’t know. Don’t ask. I’m not a professional.
Big ‘Ol Booties
You know what they say about tall boots? Long laces. And also, in many scientific circles, short bodies. This no doubt diminutive individual wears the long boot in an attempt to stretch themselves from the feet up, the boot standing in metaphorically. This only works in rare cases. On the up side, any insults about their height are easily met with a solid kick, big-boot style.